Still Writing Prayers On Post It Notes

Hey Future.

2009-12-03T00:35:00.000-08:00

Hey future.
You're not ready for me,
and I'm not ready for you.
I can see what I want,
but I can't see what to do.
So I'm stuck in the present.
It's a gift and a curse.
It seems like trying to chase you
is only making things worse.
So hey future,
I think we may need some time apart.
Right now, you're somebody's present,
and it's breaking my heart.
I don't need you to need me.
I just need you to see
that I'm everything you keep trying
to get her to be.
But hey future.
I understand the road.
It goes up, it goes down,
it has to's, it has fro's,
one day it'll come around
and your heart will feel home.
guarantee that day you'll be with me.
But you'll see.
And hey future,
I realize your appeal is the fact
that I can't figure out if you're real.
Maybe this is a joke.
Maybe you'll disappear.
But I blink, and you're always still here.
I still fear
One day future
that it'll be too late.
You'll be stuck in the lies
and the tears and the hate.
I'll be watching.
But I can't save you from your fate.
Maybe the future of futures just isn't that great.
Know what, future?
I think it's time for me to say goodnight
I refuse to get lost in this small, silly plight.
I'll survive it
like I survive everything else
I'll come out, when it's done
Knowing more of myself.
And I meant it,
when I told you that we should take a break
Cus I'm really not sure how much more I can take
But I want you
to understand you're always in my heart.
And that I'll think of you in the time we're apart.

Limits

2009-11-20T23:50:00.001-08:00

See I put you at a distance
told myself you were off limits
With respect to your relationship
And both the parties in it

Didn't like her for a second
But my instincts I neglected
Who was I to interfere?
I often inwardly reflected.

So I played my own position
Told myself I wouldn't listen
To that silly part inside of me
That's always on a mission

"Break them up. Make him your own.
Then you won't have to be alone."
But I just couldn't trade my loneliness
For your so happy home.

But now the clock is ticking
And I'm laying in my bed
And we're having conversations
We've only had in my head
And I'm saying all the things
That I swear I wouldn't have said
Because I wouldn't trade my loneliness
For your so happy home

And now she's a thing of the past
You two couldn't make it last
But she hurt you, so she's worthy of
A swift kick in the ass
And I'm angry thinking of the time
We foolishly let pass
While I wouldn't trade my loneliness
For your so happy home

Because you were still unhappy
And I was still alone
And just when I get visions of us talking on the phone
Yes, just when I get visions of us making something grow
Oh

She's back
No, of course,
Darling, of course I'm happy for that.
Of course I want you to make that work
Of course you take that chance
You and I?
Never in a million years would that work out
No, you need to spend this time with her
You've got things to figure out.

Now I toss and turn at night
Now I'm listless
I'd gladly go back to distance
But you took off the limits.

Lonely

2009-08-04T15:40:00.001-07:00

Louis Vuitton luggage
And first class seats
All of it means nothing
If you’re not with me
I’d rather take a road trip
With you by my side
I’d rather be boo’d up low
Than solo fly

But, the game don’t stop just cus I want it
It’s the price I pay for the road I’m on and
Sometimes, somedays, I just might call you to
Make sure you know that I adore you

Now this airport food, it just can’t feed me and
this life is good but it ain’t easy
These designer things, they can’t console me
Because I need your arms to hold me

I guess it’s like my mama told me
I’d rather be broke than lonely

Written: 07.18.09

On My Mind

2009-08-04T15:37:00.001-07:00

I’ve seen the godly fall from grace
I’ve seen the tortoise win the race
I’ve seen a tree grow in the sun
One day at a time

Seen children born, and elders die
Seen lovers laugh, and mourners cry
Seen how rain clouds change the sky
One day at a time

You’re always on my mind.
You’re always on my mind.
Through all the changes
All the time
You’re always on my mind.

Written 08.02.09

Forgive Me Father

2009-07-08T14:08:00.000-07:00

I posted this one on tumblr but then I was like, "uhm, duh, poetry blog?"

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned
And have no intention of stopping.
When the sins have piled up, I’ll call on you again
And ask why it seems that you forgot me.
The road to heaven is a long distance race
And we both know I’m not much for running,
But I pray you set for me a vigorous pace
To stop me from what I’m becoming.

If you find...

2009-06-07T01:10:00.000-07:00

I've been told
Ignorance is bliss
And I'd much rather know
And feel pain
Where the unknown's a calming abyss
Besides calm, there is nothing to gain

And as gain is the progress of life
Such as first love progress from a kiss
To avoid my unnecessary strife
I would ask you to promise me this

If you find you don't love me
Don't tell me
For I promise, I don't need to know
Just keep on pretending
Affections unending
Never let your misgivings show

If you find you don't love me
Don't tell me
That's a heartbreak you don't need to see
Wrap me up in your arms
Lead me on with your charms
And leave me, in my ignorance, be

If you find you don't love me
Don't tell me
That's an agony I couldn't stand
Like breathing without air
It's just too much to bare
So supply me my only demand

If you find you don't love me
Don't tell me
It is all I will ask of you, this
If you find you must go
Let me be last to know
And leave me then, at least
With a kiss

Partial Pieces of Poetry

2009-06-05T22:57:00.000-07:00

Partial pieces of poetry
Flow through me
Unfinished and beautiful
Half truths indisputable
Diminished by nothing
Short snippets of life
That aren't made less touching
By their lack of length

They exude a strength
That I cling to
And sometimes I wish I could bring you
Paragraphs and pages
of words so sweet it changes your life
And erases, or slows down the fast paces
Of your never ending strife

But I can't
So I give you
Partial pieces of poetry
That flow through me
And hope its enough
Sincerely

Contractions

2009-05-16T20:27:00.000-07:00

I'm on one. And you have NO IDEA how hard I tried to write this poem without contractions. Ehh, no go.

Contractions have become commonplace
We squeeze words together
Because watered down language
Is easier to manage
And watered down people
Must be easier to equal
Because at my full potency
You can't even come close to me

I'm guilty of contracting
I'm guilty of squeezing so I can fit
And I'm guilty of holding back
I'm guilty of wanting so bad
To just be part of the crowd
I forget that as a child of God
I was born to stand out

Contractions have become commonplace
You can take it from me
There's a beauty in the expanded word
We don't know how to see
And in the expanded person
You'll find a beauty the same
So contracting, as a person
I won't be guilty of again.

Broken Logic

2009-05-16T16:39:00.000-07:00

You're not supposed to follow it, and if you do, there's cookies at the finish line, just for you (which wasn't supposed to rhyme, I do that all the time. Dammit, see? -stops talking).

I'm in a mood to write
I don't know what to say
It's like the same confusion
Moves me through every day
So I project the same illusion
A lie in every way
But I'm just so ashamed of losing
That I'm afraid to play

I don't expect you to understand broken logic
It's easier if you don't
Leaves me free to remain honest
I'm holding on to my hope
Don't know what I'd be if I lost it
But like sand through an hourglass
It gets closer and closer to gone
I forget why I'm holding on

And I'm such a monster
My fight with it is so constant
To you, I just seem awkward
That's cool

How would you look at me
If you could see the things I've done
Would you see the progression
What I've been to what I've become?
My mouth makes the wrong impression
I stay silent
You just think I'm dumb
And that's cool

Sometimes I'm inarticulate
I can't explain the things I'm trying to say
It hurts my mouth to speak sometimes
The pain gets in the way
I dance around the subjects
That make the monster upset
And you just think I'm scared
That's cool

But it's cruel at the same time
I'm at war with my own mind
And you can't see it.
Vulnerability makes me weak
So I can't be it
How can I help but to sometimes
Get mad at a world
That left me alone in the spotlight
Just a scared little girl
With all this emotion
And no place to hold it
And no way to control it
Where no words could console it
And nothing fills the hole

I guess all I'm asking for is time
Convoluted and trapped in the words of this rhyme
Is my heart
If I can't get it back from the page
It'll fall apart
The confusion that moves it
Is it's death
And without my hope and my heart
I'll have nothing left

Doomed to write about a sunrise
That I'll never see
Doomed to dream about a woman
That I'll never be
Doomed to follow broken logic
Down a dead end road
Shoulders heavy with emotion
That I can't control
A tortured soul

Superman

2009-05-07T00:33:00.000-07:00

Let spectators be in love with the hero
I'm fascinated by the alter ego
Let them search to find the secret places we go
When our conversations slip, dip, and whisper
Let them strain their ears to listen
Let them learn to pay attention
There's a gold mine in your spirit
that I dig for
A richness in your essence
that I live for
And a safety in your presence
Thats there's nothing in the world
I wouldn't give for
Let them find it
They've forgotten
But they need to be reminded
That your power is nothing
Without the faith and grace behind it
The pain and stakes all raised without permission
The sacrifices made to fund the vision
All those who have betrayed, and you've forgiven
They shaped, and and paved your way, this life you're living
So let them see the superman you show them
S on your chest, wind in your cape, smile glowing
No matter what the world decides to see
You'll always be a superman to me.

Three people come to mind when I read this. All three of them have some of the hardest hustles I've seen, ever. They'll probably never read it, but if they were too, I'd hope it'd bring a smile, even just for a second.

-A.

One Text//The Process

2009-04-26T23:43:00.000-07:00

This was an exercise, trying to write from a perspective other than mine. I think it came out pretty well. It flowed easy for me. It's not about anything in particular. It mirrors a common situation. Hope y'all enjoy it. =]

I was gettin off the train
and started thinking
Kinda vague
Like, man, I ain't heard from my girl all day
So I started to imagine
all the things that could've happened
Maybe her phone got cut off
Or she left home and just forgot it
But jealousy got the best of me
And brown eyes turned to green
"What if she's off with some nigga somewhere
Not thinkin bout me?"
What if she decided finally that
She's wasting time and tried to find
A man that could be all the things
That I just couldn't be?
Then fear crept up from the rear
Giddy and eager to remind
That I never had officially claimed this woman as mine
So, technically, if she wants to be with somebody thats fine
(That word stabbed me in the heart though, hell no that shit wasn't fine)
So I was sitting on my couch, and just staring at the phone
Tryna figure, should I hit her up
Or just leave her alone
Can't just call her in a jealous rage
'Cause I feel she's my own
Can't just tell her she can never stray
'Cause her voice, to me, is home
Then the realization dawned on me
My heart started to fall
'Cause I figured out this chick I'm calling mine
Ain't mine at all
And that if she didn't want to
Well, she never had to call
It just hit me in the head
Like, man, she never has to call
So I'm sitting, staring, stumbling
Trying to figure what to do
As the thought of me without her
Tries to tear my heart in two
I'm just sitting, staring, stumbling
Wondering what'll happen next
When the phone that I've been staring at rings
Says I've got a text
So I open it, excited, wondering what it's going to say
"Hey love. Wanted to tell you I've been missing you all day."
Nervous heart comes back together
Takes a breath, and gets its wings
Just her presence calms my soul
And moves my mind to better things
I'm rethinking our arrangement
Some things, you've just gotta do
But till then, just a response
"Wassup my love. I missed you too."

Diary of a Mad Black Woman

2009-04-22T22:20:00.001-07:00

Diary of a mad Black Woman

I'm the one that always made you laugh
And I'm the one who cooked the food you didn't know you had
And I'm the one that cheered for you at every b ball game
But when it was time for shout outs, you never shouted my name
I picked up your mothers prescription, and delivered it with care
And tried my best to convince her that you weren't passed out somewhere
(which you were)
And I'm the one that kept condoms stocked, and the strong box locked
So when the next bitch tried to trap you, or rob you, her whole game plan got stopped
It was me who was buying your groceries, me who was paying your bills
Me who kept two extra blankets nearby, cus we all know how you get the chills
Me who was taking your draws to get cleaned, the black ones you swear give you luck
It was me who was alway beside you, when about me, you don't give a fuck.

So I hope that this new chick you got now,
Yeah, I hope this one fills you with pride
And I hope when your world turns upside down
That this new chick is still down to ride
Cus when I left, the strong box was open
And there wasn't no cash left inside
Yeah, when I left, the safe was on empty
This paper will help me
Dry tears from my eyes

Lol! Crack poem y'all. Just jokes. It's for twin. She gave me the idea. Anyway.

THIS WAS WRITTEN THE SAME DAY AS THE ONE BEFORE IT!! I'M ON A FUCKING ROLL!! Plus I'm putting like 1000 words a day into this little story I'm working on now, but y'all will never see that. Ever ever. Okay, done talking.

No Words

2009-04-22T02:29:00.001-07:00

*Gasp* I mean, a new poem/song/thingy? In the same MONTH? Its crazy right? I'm back to gospel, by the way. I needed a refresher

I have no words for you greatness
And I have no words for your grace
I have no words for your faithfulness
Which endures, day by day, day by day
So all I can do is give glory
And all I can do is give praise
All I can do is give my life to you
Do your will Lord, whatever it takes

Here I stand
And I'm holding my heart in my hand
And I'll turn my life over to you, oh God
See me through, oh God
And show me what I need to do, oh God

Hear me pray
Lord I pray that you'll show me the way
And I pray in your grace I will stay, oh God
Never stray, oh God
Just tell me what I need to say, oh God

There are no words for your mercy
And there are no words for your love
And there are no words for the perfect peace
That you've shown me from heaven above
So all I can do is shout thank you
And know that you hear me somehow
All I can do is give my life to you
Do your will Lord, I'm starting right now

Here I stand
And I'm holding my heart in my hand
And I'll turn my life over to you, oh God
See me through, oh God
And show me what I need to do, oh God

Here me pray
Lord I pray that you'll show me the way
And I pray in your grace I will stay, oh God
Never stay, oh God
Just tell me what I need to say, oh God
Oh God

Ohhhhhhhh

I don't deserve all the chances you've given me
I don't deserve to be loved unconditionally
I've made mistakes, and I know I can't fix them now
But you made a way through my sins and I just don't know how
I don't deserve all the good things you've planned for me
I don't deserve all the joy that you've handed me
I don't deserve all the strength you've instilled in me
I don't deserve a savior who was killed for me
I want to be more
I want to be yours
So please

Here I stand
And I'm holding my heart in my hands
ANd I'l turn my life over to you, oh God
See me through, oh God
And show me what I need to do, Oh God

Lord I pray
I just pray that you'll show me the way
And I pray that within me you'll stay, oh God
Never stray, oh God
So they hear you in all that I say, oh God

Here I am
I relinquish myself to your plan
And I don't know what I should do next
oh God
To expect
oh God
But I know that in you I'm blessed
Oh God
Oh, so blessed.

I'ma sing this. I might even record it, but I promise you, I'ma sing the devil out of this. One day.....

.Purity.

2009-04-14T15:06:00.000-07:00

If you know me, you know how much non rhyming poems irk me. This one pretty much made me cry though. I like it =]

Purity

You're just what I needed
You're honesty and silence
You're patience and compassion
You're humor and resilience and faith
You're just what I needed

I've spent many a long night wandering the world
i've seen stars fall
I've seen the moon cover the sun
I've seen hungry children
I've seen love
I've seen poetry in motion
I've seen music, visible and tangible
But never in all my many nights travels have I
Seen anything like you.

I've never seen a spirit that rises with such grace after falling
I've never seen a smile with such warmth
I've never seen a heart so strong regardless of trials
I've never seen so raw a passion
I've never seen so sharp a mind
I've never seen so determined a will
Never in all my many travels have I
Seen anything like you.

You're just what I needed
You're stars falling
You're the moon covering the sun
You're the hunger, ever present in children, but often missing in people
You're love
You're poetry in motion
You're music, visible and tangible
You're just what I needed
You're everything I need
You're purity

Written about four minutes ago. Dedicated to my favorite person.

What I've Got//The Discussion

2009-03-22T02:24:00.000-07:00

*Gasp* I know, right? It's only been six weeks. This is a work in progress. I wrote it, but then I got to the mind/heart verse, and that flowed easier than any other part of the song, so I'm thinking I might expand on that part? Not sure. Whatever. He really is asleep on my phone though, muttering, too cute. I'll try to be more consistent, yeah?

He's sleeping on my phone
I wish he could be closer
His presence fills my soul
In this war, he's my soldier
I'll be his ride or die
I'd die to ride beside him
And if this love were blind
I know he'd be my sight
Oh, oh

I know his every thought
Attuned to his emotions
I love to hear him talk
It echoes his devotion
He's got a nasty mind
I can't deny I like it
And if this world were mine
I'd just need him inside it
I'd just need him inside it
I'd just need him

That's what I've got at home
He'll never leave me sad or lonely
Why ever would I roam
When that's what I've got at home?
Home

My mind says this won't last
My heart says try and stop it
My mind brings up my past
My heart's long since forgot it
My mind says take it slow
My heart says fall in deeper
My mind says let him go
My heart says play for keeps
Oh, oh

Sometimes I hear his voice
When I swear no one's speaking
I thought I had a choice
But my resolve is weakening
Don't want to love him so
It seems I have no option
And if he had to go
I'd move the world to stop him
I'd move the world to stop him
I'd move the world

That's what I've got at home
He'll never leave me sad or lonely
Why ever would I roam
When that's what I've got at home?
Home

And if this love were blind
I know he'd be my sight
And if this world were mine
I'd just need him inside
My mind says let him go
My heart says he's a keeper
My mind says let him go
My heart says fall in deeper
My heart says fall in deeper
My heart says fall....

Written: 03.22.09

.Have I Ever.

2009-02-07T02:09:00.000-08:00

Seriously? Its been so long. I've got tons of stuff to put up here, I'm just scared. Lol. I don't see that changing any time soon, but you can have this.

Have I Ever?

I've come to the sad conclusion that
I'm just in love with love.
I see it in places it isn't,
In things that he said, and things that he didn't.
It's not that I'm desperate,
It's just that I'm lonely.
And is it so bad
To just wish there was someone to hold me?
See where I come from,
Altruism is scarce.
If you're male, and we're speaking,
Then there's probably something there.

I guess I was too young when I learned
How it lessened the burn
To pretend it was love, and not lust.
That that brightened his eyes,
Brought wetness to my thighs,
It was easy
To think was just between us.
But now that I'm older
The world, once on fire, has grown colder
And I stare at stars, so afraid
Everything that I've felt, so called love
Will all melt away, and be boiled down,
Till it blends in so well with the pain.
Have I ever known anything real
Or have I been made so scared to feel
That I'm numb when it comes?
Have I ever known anything true
Or have I been made so scared of you
That I'll run from love?

Written: 02.07.09

Addiction

2009-01-07T00:59:00.001-08:00

This isn't a poem, but it's been in my head for a while. I was looking for a picture that described what I was feeling at the moment and I couldn't find one.

I can't find anything that depicts what it looks like when it claws at you. When it creeps up in your throat and renders you incapable of breathing without it. When it lodges itself in your heart and stops the beating. Till your head is light and you can't think straight. No breathing, no beating, no thinking, just feeling. It waits till it gets you there, to that state where all you can do is feel it. Then it takes you, then it claws at every inch of skin it can find with razor sharp talons that scrap at you, and you bleed, oh you bleed, but you don't find it as disgusting as you should. And you scream, oh God, you scream, but you can't remember if its from the pain or the pleasure because it hurts so good. And you're bleeding, and screaming, not breathing, not beating, not thinking, till finally its dark, its pulled you under, to that place where you're safe.

When you come to again, you wait for it, every muscle tensed, waiting for it to claw at your throat again. But you don't know if you're waiting to brace against it, or to embrace it. Because more than you need the air it denies you, the heart beat it steals, the thought it commandeers, you need to see the blood, and you need to hear the screams, and you need to be so exhausted from it that you just go black for awhile, and you need to come back and do it all over again, because more than anything else, you need those silent, invisible pains to make sense.

Addiction

.Pour Into Me.

2008-11-20T01:20:00.000-08:00

Pour into me
All your nothingness and nightmares
and I'll turn them into everythings and dreams
If you pour them into me
I can turn your every thunderstorm to sunshine
Turn your winter months to springtime
Love you'll see
I ask you to give to me
All the things that make you toss and turn at night
Hold to things that make you happy
I'll make everything else right
If you let me
I can help you become what you're meant to be
If you take the things that trouble you
And pour them into me

Written: 11.20.08

.Grown.

2008-11-04T10:46:00.000-08:00

Wrote the poem in a nightmare. Weird, right?

My mama went away
My mama went away
Seems like just the other day
My mama went away
And now I'm all alone
So now they think I'm grown
But being grown ain't what it seems
I don't have time for dreams
See, now I'm trying to hustle
Now I'm trying to grind
Keep food on the table
A roof o'er this head of mine
Don't have time to cry
Don't have time to pray
Barely have the strength to make it through my day to day
Cus see, My mama went away
My mama went away
Seems like just the other day
My mama went away
And now I'm all alone
So now they think I'm grown
Because I'm out here on my own
So now I guess I'm grown.

I don't remember the date.

pt 4 (the end)

2008-11-04T10:42:00.001-08:00

my favorite out of the series

I left three weeks ago
And realized I'd forgotten how to sleep alone
I need the company, thats why I've always got the TV on
And my worst enemy has suddenly become the radio
'Cause all they play is love songs
And we all know how that goes.
Its weird now that I'm killing spiders by myself
And going to change the light bulbs with a foot stool as my help
And the first night? I accidentally cooked for two
Yea, I'm just that used to you
But you know what?
As much as my heart aches
This don't feel like heartbreak
Just another slice of life I finally get to partake of
And even though you weren't my first love
I can honestly say that you were my best and worst love
You taught me how to thirst, love
Didn't know passion till I knew you
Didn't know my own strength, but now I do
And I know I can make it through
Because no matter what tomorrow brings
I'm almost sure I've been through worse things
You see
I left three weeks ago
And now I find that I can finally sleep alone
Don't need the company, so I don't have to have the TV on
And nothing in this world could break up me and the radio
I'm back in love with love songs
And we all know how that goes
I change my lightbulbs, kill my spiders by myself
I'm stronger now, so I'm thanking you for all your help
But every now and then, I still do cook for two
I'm too used to being used to you.

Written: 10.27.08

pt 3

2008-11-04T10:34:00.000-08:00

Super sorry, got thrown off. Three today. Pt 3, pt 4, && then another that doesn't have anything to do with anything. I also found a super old notebook full of stuff, so I might post some of that. This is my least favorite, by the way.

"It seems like no matter how I try
We keep getting closer to goodbye
And whatever words I choose to say
Keep pushing you further and further away
This isn't the way its s'possed to be
You're supposed to spend forever here with me
I don't mean to make you cry
Listening to my lullabye..."

Yea? Well you always do
And the heartbroken always sing along with you
So I tell myself that I'm just being strong for you
Because thats what good women are supposed to do
Be strong for to
'Cause times are bound to get rough
And at some point, somebody is bound to give up
But thats when I step in and say enough is enough
It just wouldn't be love if it never got tough
And even though I'm totally devoted
Every word I say, somehow makes you feel demoted
Like I wouldn't give the stars to have your heart
Give up jewelry and cars to be where you are
The main part of your life
Cus doesn't it feel right when we're together
Despite whatever weather
The temperature brings
It is as it'll always be
Between you and me.

Written: 10//16//08

Segue way From the Series [Rainbows]

2008-10-14T20:39:00.000-07:00

Compassion is gone
And sympathy with it.
I open my heart
Just to find nothings in it.
You think its all rainbows
But take it from me,
You'd prefer your nightmares
To my reality

You whine and complain
But when do you try?
Only watching the rain
So the sun passes by
Powerful like a train
Leaving tracks in the sky
You'd realize you had rainbows
If you opened your eyes

The storm will engulf us
And cover us all.
The tide sweeps us up-
How we rise, how we fall.
But look the the rain clouds
Yes, look to the sky
And find in life, rainbows
As each storm goes by.

Written: 10.14.08
I wrote pt 3 today but I'll post it tomorrow.

pt 2

2008-10-13T00:31:00.001-07:00

There are times I've been afraid to let the real me show,
But you've given me the strength I need to grow.
Everything about the time we spent together
Made me better,
So I'm sad to say its time for me to go.
I don't want any hard feelings-
We've had fun together really,
But I'm looking for a little more than fun.
So its best we don't delay it,
And I truly hate to say it
But my love, this time, I really have to run.

Now you're telling me you'll change
Saying you can make it better
But I know its still the same
Every time we get together
We go right back to the game
We love selfishly, we're childish
Always trying to place the blame
Always trying to place the blame
And I never tell the truth
Till I want to hurt your feelings
Then I let emotions loose
That'll send your mindset reeling
What is it we find appealing
About this sick game we play
Always pulling us together
When we try to walk away?

Well, what else is there to say?
Now i've told you that I'm leavin
But you're begging me to stay
Even though I have no reason
Its the highest price I'll pay
Staying with you is like treason
Its my own heart I betray
Its my own heart I betray
But without you I feel lost
And I fall into your web again
I pay the highest cost
Without thought, cause it feels heaven sent
I give up in exhaust
In my slumber, hear you say
"You weren't leaving anyway"
"You weren't leaving anyway"

Written: 10.13.08

pt 1

2008-10-12T13:11:00.001-07:00

I called it part one, cus I've got a feeling there's going to be a part two, && three, & so on...

Hickies left from another woman's mouth are on his neck
And I wonder, how much loyalty can one expect
From a boy who runs around all day
Pretending he's a man?
Diving in and out of pussy, trying to get all that he can.
Living in his mama's house, trying to call himself grown
When there's nothing in his life he's accomplished on his own
So there'd be nothing to gain, if I did decide to claim him
He'd just be one more dependent, take my money, then go spend it

These thoughts pass faster than seconds,
He's still touching and caressing,
but I'm staring at the hickies on his neck.
And it hits me like a train would
Clearer than the light of day would
That he's never going to give me his respect.
Though his hands have known my thighs
I know nothing of his mind
And the heart that beats so fast for me now
Really isn't mine.

As our limbs become untangled
I find I'm no longer strangled
By the thought of leaving what we were behind

Written: 10.11.08

Awkward, Wounded, Selfish, Hurt.

2008-10-10T22:58:00.000-07:00

Been a long time, right? I know. I'll try harder.

I'm not expecting greatness
Just expecting patience
Funny how we hate this
And still can't escape this
You tell me you'll wait
But then you get impatient
'If you loved me, then you'd do this'
Isn't motivation
"She was just a girlfriend"
"He was just a boyfriend"
Just like all the others
Left you disappointed
"Not trying to compare but,
When she touched me there, it used to-
Oh, now I've upset you.
Love, I never meant to"

Awkward and wounded and selfish and hurt
We say what sounds "right" when the truth doesn't work
Put love up on pedestals, place it so high
We can't even reach it, despite how we try
We cling to each other, claim that we need
Then run to the next with the fastest of speeds
Looking for something, that we'll never find
Probably cus we've had it, and left it behind.

Awkward and wounded and selfish and hurt
Fumbling at love and praying that it works
Awkward and wounded and selfish and hurt
Fumbling
Tumbling
Crumbling

Written: 10/10/08

.Let You Go.

2008-08-19T21:28:00.000-07:00

I was wrong, so wrong.
Led you on for so long.
Don't know how I'll go on
Now you're finally gone.
Can't be mad about it
Thought I could do without it
All the love you gave me
Helped me stand like the air I breathe
So I
Can't blame no one but myself
And I
know all these tears, they just don't help
but oh
All I can do is cry cry
And ask god why

It feels like the sky just fell around me
And all of the world is gray and blue
It feels like the world revolves without me
If I go a day, love, without you
It feels like the air is getting thinner
It feels like my grip is slipping slow
But I've never been a quitter
So I'll never let you go

Written today. I'm gonna youtube it when its finished. Its gonna be pretty. The end.

.Honestly Untitled.

2008-08-19T21:16:00.000-07:00

When we began
I saw you as so much more than a man
Where did you go?
Where is that love I used to know?
You have my heart
Even though we're so much farther apart
Then we once were
& All the love I have I'm not sure you deserve

But I can't stop the rain from falling
And I can't stop the birds from calling
So I can't stop myself from loving you
I can't stop the bells from ringing
And I can't stop the choirs from singing
I can't lie to myself, so here's the truth
Boy I can't stop loving you.

Look at us now
You'd think we'd have finally figured it out
But Honestly?
Its too much fun to disagree
Laughs turn to tears
And "I was just joking" gets awfully serious
But we can't stop
Because this ride goes on whether we're strapped in or not

Like I can't stop the rain from falling
&& I can't stop the birds from calling
So I can't stop myself from loving you
I can't stop the bells from ringing
& I can't stop the choirs from singing
I can't lie to myself, so here's the truth
Boy I can't stop loving you

There's my heart in your hands
And you say we can't be friends
But we'll never fall in love again
Take back these lonely nights
Replace truth for all your lies
And hellos for your goodbyes
Cus I realize that

I can't stop the rain from falling
And I can't stop the birds from calling
So I can't stop myself from loving you
I can't stop the bells from ringing
And I can't stop the choirs from singing
I Can't lie to myself so here's the truth
[x2]

Boy I can't stop loving you.

Originally written like last week sometime for Jazmine Sullivan's Fearless Lyric Contest. Wrote the second verse && the bridge thingy just now while I was typing it all out.

Thats the beat I'm working with.

.Persistent Existance.

2008-07-24T20:06:00.001-07:00

If there were a river wide
I'd cross it to be by your side
If mountains towered in my way
I'd climb them just to hear you say
Your love for me was still as pure
As it had been the day before
My heart would shudder, knees go weak
To feel your touch, and hear you speak

And if a storm should hinder me
I'd weather it, unendingly
I'd stand the cold, and bear the rain
Just to be near you once again
For days and nights pass without rest
And hearts beat constantly in chests
But i swear this, this small decree
Love without you, there is no me.

Written: I honestly don't even remember. Recently tho. What should I title it?

.Snippet.

2008-07-24T20:03:00.000-07:00

I am going anywhere that he goes
And gossip follows everywhere that we go
So people
Save your rumors for the ignorant and feeble
Minded
Cus the energy behind it is misguided and deceitful

Dig a hole in all your drama to lay down in
And hold your breath, cus when you look around you'll see you're drownin
See, all that stress you're bringing him and me got you surrounded
You were so busy clownin
Didn't find the time to strive for higher ground and

Now we're standing on a plateau
So fly, and harder to hold on to than your echo
And we will never let go

Since its not finished I'm not posting a date for when it was written. I found hella old poems the other day. I'll post em eventually.

.Baggage.

2008-07-14T02:23:00.000-07:00

The cards are all laid on the table
Your baggage is still by the door
My baggage is all in my head, in my heart
And i know you can't take anymore.
And you've already said you forgive me
And that I could never let you down
And I don't want to say that I'm worthless
But life has no purpose if you're not around
No one makes a sound
The ceiling fan spins
And I know that I'll never feel heartbreak again
If you leave
Because this heartbreak will never end
It'll stay on repeat like the sweetest of sins
You'll be the melody, harmony, drumbeat and strings
For all that we've lost, all the we could be
And i can't help but think
Whats the matter with me
And i just want to scream
Whats the matter with me

C'mere love
Lets go wander down memory lane
Hold my hand, love
We won't get to do it again
Isn't it so insane
How things change
From one way to another
First we're loving, then fussing, then hating each other
We were made for each other
Weren't we?
You don't know how that look in your eyes, it hurts me
Cuts like knives, or worse, see
Cus i thought that we might really be
Something more than the last was
Has our last chance passed us

I'm rambling sweetheart, I know
Buying time, cus I really don't want you to go
I just want you to know
That I want it to work
You tell me the truth about myself
And it hurts
Cus its hard
To look at myself in the mirror
Now that your love has made my vision clearer
And I'll never see it this clearly again
If you go
I'll never let anyone in
You should know
That my hearts in those bags my the door
So in leaving, you're taking it with you.

All I'm really trying to say is I'll miss it.
I'll miss you.

Written: 07/14/08

.Will Work for Food for Thought.

2008-07-03T12:03:00.000-07:00

I'm a little, lost, guardian angel
Wings too fragile to get off the ground
With each step that I'm taking I'm shuddering,
Aching
And hoping one day to be found
I need food, I need shelter, and water
I have love, I have life, I have hope
Its hard for me to ask, but I can't let you pass
So I shout out and hope I don't choke
Cus you look like a light to my darkness
And you look like you'll show me a way
I've been lost for so long
So I'll give you this song
Cus you look like you'll make it okay
And I know I should get off your doorstep
And I know my intrusion is rude
But whatever you need, if I have, its agreed,
Oh, I promise I'll work for my food.

This one's to you.
Unhypothetically
=]

Written: 07/02/08

.Tonight.

2008-07-02T00:17:00.000-07:00

When I talk to God, it usually rhymes. :-??

Joy always comes
It always comes
Joy always comes with morning
But tell me Lord
Please tell me Lord
What I should do tonight?
I try and pray
I cry and pray
For sun after this storming
But nothing dear,
No nothings clear
It never turns out right.

Tonight I want to fight.

I stand alone
Lift hands alone
And cry to you my savior
I pray for those
Make ways for those
Who hurt me oh, so much
But how can I
Continue trying
to win them your favor
When I your child
Who'll die your child
Am losing my own trust

Tonight I want to just..

Live for a moment
In the sin of the moment
And dance for a night
In the passion of night
Maybe cry for a moment
In the lies of the moment
And sleep for a night
In the heat of the night

Want do for a moment
What I've dreamed every moment
And live for a day
How they live everyday

I'm so tired of the bad guys always finishing first.
But to go against you, that would hurt me the worst.

If it always comes
If it always comes
If Joy always comes in the morning
Then I'll speak the words
And repeat these words
So I'll make it through tonight
Since I tried and prayed
Since I cried and prayed
For the sun after this storming
If its meant to be
Then eventually
Everything will turn out right

I can make it through tonight.

Written: 07/02/08

.Untitled.

2008-06-25T20:40:00.000-07:00

I type better than I talk but I'm not asking you to listen
Cus I know this is puttin you in a real awkward position
But I'm feelin you
From the perm in your hair down to your tennis shoes
From the laugh in your voice to when you're being hyper critical
& I don't plan on telling you
You've got a good thing going
Its just because I can't have you that all these feelings are growing
Maybe you should stop being all I need
Stop taking my breath away and it'd be easier to breathe
If I wasn't captivated it'd be easier to leave
Walk away, and find a man who was emotionally free
& Its hard for me
Because my homewrecker tendencies
Are telling me to tell you
What we could do in dark rooms
With locked doors
We'd both sweat
And want more
We'd both sweat
But not yet

Let me stop.
This point of this poem isn't something I forgot
Like Weezy
I just wanted you to know that this shit ain't easy
And when I laugh with you
I steel my heart from butterflies
Its what I have to do
To keep this thing of ours alive
& if my attitude matches my alititude
Then I'm the lowest lady under the sun

Cus I caught feelings for the wrong one.

Written: 06/25/08

.Martyr.

2008-06-25T20:36:00.000-07:00

she said she doesn't wanna be the solution
Its hard to breathe in all this emotional pollution
She wants to scream but she's choking on your hopes and dreams
And crying tears of all the things you've told her you can't be
And she doesn't want to tell you that you can any longer
She's tired of telling you that you're stronger
Its not fair to put your hopelessness on her
You see she's giving out love by the pound
And when she don't get it back, she only feels let down
But she can't stop now
Its how she steadies herself
When her world gets topsy turvy its enough that she can help you
To get through
It makes her feel a little less resentful
of all the trials that make her life a little too eventful
But whats gonna happen when her heart breaks
&& when all the drama's too much for her to take
Will you step up and become the one she needs
or just turn and leave
Honestly she yearns and bleeds
For someone who won't just give up
When the shit gets rough
She's always thought that she deserved that much
But you're proving her wrong daily
And its driving her so crazy
Cus the weakness she's feeling makes her feel like less of a lady
More respectable maybe
If she just doesn't complain
and just does it again
Leaves her feelings out in the rain
And plasters on a warm smile for your behalf
Because whatever in your life you want
She'll help you have.

Written: 06/18/08

.Shit Happens.

2008-06-25T20:33:00.000-07:00

Sometimes shit happens
And it feels like a dream
You remember the heat and the sweat
Not a damn thing in between
You give it as good as you get
Don't give a damn what it means
As long as its hard and it wet
Don't give a damn how it seems

Sometimes shit happens and it seems like a song
As long as the rhythm is good
Don't give a damn whats wrong
As long as its pumping into you
Don't give a damn how long
It could take till the end of the day
If the stamina's strong

Sometimes shit happens
And you can't let it go
It burns in your blood till you speed
But you can't take it slow
It thickens your tongue till you speak
But you can't let em know
It pulls at your knees till you're weak
But you can't let it show.

But sometimes shit happens
And its clear as day
No earthquake or hurricane
Could shake it away
Such things effect your body
Even more than your mind
Till you search your soul for an answer
And you're shocked when you find
That the things you once found important
Unexpectedly changed
And your once valued priorities
Had been rearranged
See we laugh like its hilarious
When others go through
But life gets a little precarious
When shit happens to you.

Written: 05/20/08

.Loves Dreams Never Ending.

2008-06-25T20:32:00.001-07:00

I smell roses on the table
&& hear rain on the roof
The rain might be all in my head
But of the roses I still have proof
I remember your chest as my pillow
As soft voices blend in the dark
Our lover’s dreams never ending
Thoughts paced to the beat of your heart
You talk about dreams of tomorrow
I talk about dreams of today
We talk about our dreams together
Afraid that we’ll get in our own way
Conflicted our love is unspoken
Restricted our love is unshown
And though promises sometimes broken
Through out all our love is still known
I reside in the inner workings of what used to be his heart
So I’m there to put back together what he thinks has fallen apart
And when his life seems without purpose I’m right there to get him on track
And on nights he feels like he’s worthless
I’m always there pulling him back
To the scent of roses on the table
And the sound of rain on the roof
The rain might’ve been all in my head
But of the roses I still have proof
Pull you back to your chest as my pillow
Pull you back to that voice in the dark
Pull you back to loves dreams never ending
Pull you back to the beat of your heart.

Written: 04/21/08

.Heavenly.

2008-06-25T20:31:00.000-07:00

It’s something closer to ecstasy
When you’re next to me
Like all paths led to this destiny
No matter how I try to escape it
No matter how many tried to grab it or take it
Away from you and I
&& we both know how hard they try
Its still here
We still fear
That touch of heaven that appears
When we’re near
And so we try to give our hearts to others
Like maybe they can help us gravitate away from each other
But we still remember givin’ hickeys in the park,
And long talks on my mothers telephone after dark
And those walks through the ghetto
With our love like a bulletproof vest
Cus there was no weapon to penetrate the strength in my chest
When I was with you
And anything you would ask for I would give you
Everyday a different love song of you swirling through my mental
And when my sanity returned I’d wonder what I’d gotten into
Cus my heart, it wasn’t in me, it was in you
My feelings had become more than superficial
Somethin like overnight, you turned perpetual darkness into light
&& Transformed from Mr. Wright to Mr. Right
To my delight or….wait
Cus I now I couldn’t shake myself from my lovestruck state
Your essence, heavy love, && I just couldn’t bear the weight
Nothing to do but shake your expectations from my shoulders
And focus on the task of moving onward, getting over
So I took the first excuse to make this fullness in me hollow
Boarded an evening bus and quietly told you not to follow
And I know that you’ll still be there for me on tomorrow because
What we have stretches over 967 miles
Over exes and best friends and unbelievable trials
It can’t be defined; lets call it timeless, priceless
Legacy left behind of us like the Goddess Isis
People still talk about us cus love shines despite us
The feelings between us growing and in time they might just
Overcome of us entirely, consume the strong willed
Even when sometimes we just wish that we could not feel
Sometimes I pray to heaven, pray to god so high above
Jesus let it be anything on earth, just not love

But then it’s always a step closer to ecstasy
When you’re next to me
So I guess I’ll just let it be
It’s Heavenly

Written: 4/21/08

.If I Ain't Got You.

2008-06-25T20:26:00.000-07:00

Do you have a cure for this?
I don't think you have a cure, oh no
Do you know what real love is?
You say you do but I'm not sure
It seems I've carried you a thousand miles
And now I'm tired.
It may sound selfish but myself is what
I've really got

[ chorus ]
Cus I ain't got you
And it tears me up inside
No I ain't got you
Do you know the tears I've cried?
But this time I'm through
Though my feelings haven't died
I won't stand here any longer
And when I move on I'll be stronger
for not having you.

Can you take this pain away?
Give me something for the pain my baby
Magically explain away
All the worries in my brain
Cus though you say you love me I don't see it
Not at all
And if I stand alone I need to know
So i won't fall

Cus i ain't got you
And it tears me up inside
No I ain't got you
Do you know the tears I've cried
But this time I'm through
Though my feelings havent' died
I won't stand here any longer
And when I move on i'll be stronger
For not having

The cries in the middle of the night
When I thought I couldn't take it anymore
And the lies that I told you all the time
So you wouldn't walk on out that door
I'd trade it all for
The ability to stand
Without holding someone's hand
And to tell the honest truth
When I say i'm done with

Not having you
Cus it tears me up inside
No I ain't got you
Do you know the tears I've cried
But this time I'm through
Though my feelings haven't died
I won't stand here any longer
And when I move on I'll be stronger
for not having you.

Written: Like March of '07ish sometime.

.Post It Notes.

2008-06-25T20:20:00.000-07:00

I write my prayers on a post it note
Cus god never reads my four page letters
I ask him how my life's supposed to go
&& when the hell this shits gonna get better
I say I'm sorry for the attitude
Tell him I can't express the gratitude
I've got for breathing
I give him praise for this pen and this page
Cus its the only thing givin my life meaning
He whispers in my ear that soon all will be clear
That winter is almost gone and
Joy will come in the morning
Something special is dawning
A new era in my life
One where maybe for a moment
Everything can turn out right
But before I turn to thank him
He hits me with a blow
Says that to finance this blessing
I must lose someone I know
Says that for every happy moment
A sacrifice must be made
And to be strong for my blessing
Through the trial I must be brave
And I lie
My mouth says that I'm ready but I'm not
And when I open my eyes again
It seems that I've forgotten
everything that he just said to me
Forgotten he was near
Like the whole world's back to cloudy
And was never once so clear
i go back to writing prayers on my tiny post it note
Until I cry so hard you'd never know the prayers that I wrote
But even through my tears I thank him for the blessing that he gave
Because I know he's been listening to the prayers that I've prayed.

Written: 2/27/08