Hey Future.

Hey future.
You're not ready for me,
and I'm not ready for you.
I can see what I want,
but I can't see what to do.
So I'm stuck in the present.
It's a gift and a curse.
It seems like trying to chase you
is only making things worse.
So hey future,
I think we may need some time apart.
Right now, you're somebody's present,
and it's breaking my heart.
I don't need you to need me.
I just need you to see
that I'm everything you keep trying
to get her to be.
But hey future.
I understand the road.
It goes up, it goes down,
it has to's, it has fro's,
one day it'll come around
and your heart will feel home.
guarantee that day you'll be with me.
But you'll see.
And hey future,
I realize your appeal is the fact
that I can't figure out if you're real.
Maybe this is a joke.
Maybe you'll disappear.
But I blink, and you're always still here.
I still fear
One day future
that it'll be too late.
You'll be stuck in the lies
and the tears and the hate.
I'll be watching.
But I can't save you from your fate.
Maybe the future of futures just isn't that great.
Know what, future?
I think it's time for me to say goodnight
I refuse to get lost in this small, silly plight.
I'll survive it
like I survive everything else
I'll come out, when it's done
Knowing more of myself.
And I meant it,
when I told you that we should take a break
Cus I'm really not sure how much more I can take
But I want you
to understand you're always in my heart.
And that I'll think of you in the time we're apart.

Limits

See I put you at a distance
told myself you were off limits
With respect to your relationship
And both the parties in it

Didn't like her for a second
But my instincts I neglected
Who was I to interfere?
I often inwardly reflected.

So I played my own position
Told myself I wouldn't listen
To that silly part inside of me
That's always on a mission

"Break them up. Make him your own.
Then you won't have to be alone."
But I just couldn't trade my loneliness
For your so happy home.

But now the clock is ticking
And I'm laying in my bed
And we're having conversations
We've only had in my head
And I'm saying all the things
That I swear I wouldn't have said
Because I wouldn't trade my loneliness
For your so happy home

And now she's a thing of the past
You two couldn't make it last
But she hurt you, so she's worthy of
A swift kick in the ass
And I'm angry thinking of the time
We foolishly let pass
While I wouldn't trade my loneliness
For your so happy home

Because you were still unhappy
And I was still alone
And just when I get visions of us talking on the phone
Yes, just when I get visions of us making something grow
Oh

She's back
No, of course,
Darling, of course I'm happy for that.
Of course I want you to make that work
Of course you take that chance
You and I?
Never in a million years would that work out
No, you need to spend this time with her
You've got things to figure out.

Now I toss and turn at night
Now I'm listless
I'd gladly go back to distance
But you took off the limits.

Lonely

Louis Vuitton luggage
And first class seats
All of it means nothing
If you’re not with me
I’d rather take a road trip
With you by my side
I’d rather be boo’d up low
Than solo fly

But, the game don’t stop just cus I want it
It’s the price I pay for the road I’m on and
Sometimes, somedays, I just might call you to
Make sure you know that I adore you

Now this airport food, it just can’t feed me and
this life is good but it ain’t easy
These designer things, they can’t console me
Because I need your arms to hold me

I guess it’s like my mama told me
I’d rather be broke than lonely

Written: 07.18.09

On My Mind

I’ve seen the godly fall from grace
I’ve seen the tortoise win the race
I’ve seen a tree grow in the sun
One day at a time

Seen children born, and elders die
Seen lovers laugh, and mourners cry
Seen how rain clouds change the sky
One day at a time

You’re always on my mind.
You’re always on my mind.
Through all the changes
All the time
You’re always on my mind.

Written 08.02.09

Forgive Me Father

I posted this one on tumblr but then I was like, "uhm, duh, poetry blog?"

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned
And have no intention of stopping.
When the sins have piled up, I’ll call on you again
And ask why it seems that you forgot me.
The road to heaven is a long distance race
And we both know I’m not much for running,
But I pray you set for me a vigorous pace
To stop me from what I’m becoming.

If you find...

I've been told
Ignorance is bliss
And I'd much rather know
And feel pain
Where the unknown's a calming abyss
Besides calm, there is nothing to gain

And as gain is the progress of life
Such as first love progress from a kiss
To avoid my unnecessary strife
I would ask you to promise me this

If you find you don't love me
Don't tell me
For I promise, I don't need to know
Just keep on pretending
Affections unending
Never let your misgivings show

If you find you don't love me
Don't tell me
That's a heartbreak you don't need to see
Wrap me up in your arms
Lead me on with your charms
And leave me, in my ignorance, be

If you find you don't love me
Don't tell me
That's an agony I couldn't stand
Like breathing without air
It's just too much to bare
So supply me my only demand

If you find you don't love me
Don't tell me
It is all I will ask of you, this
If you find you must go
Let me be last to know
And leave me then, at least
With a kiss

Partial Pieces of Poetry

Partial pieces of poetry
Flow through me
Unfinished and beautiful
Half truths indisputable
Diminished by nothing
Short snippets of life
That aren't made less touching
By their lack of length

They exude a strength
That I cling to
And sometimes I wish I could bring you
Paragraphs and pages
of words so sweet it changes your life
And erases, or slows down the fast paces
Of your never ending strife

But I can't
So I give you
Partial pieces of poetry
That flow through me
And hope its enough
Sincerely

Contractions

I'm on one. And you have NO IDEA how hard I tried to write this poem without contractions. Ehh, no go.

Contractions have become commonplace
We squeeze words together
Because watered down language
Is easier to manage
And watered down people
Must be easier to equal
Because at my full potency
You can't even come close to me

I'm guilty of contracting
I'm guilty of squeezing so I can fit
And I'm guilty of holding back
I'm guilty of wanting so bad
To just be part of the crowd
I forget that as a child of God
I was born to stand out

Contractions have become commonplace
You can take it from me
There's a beauty in the expanded word
We don't know how to see
And in the expanded person
You'll find a beauty the same
So contracting, as a person
I won't be guilty of again.

Broken Logic

You're not supposed to follow it, and if you do, there's cookies at the finish line, just for you (which wasn't supposed to rhyme, I do that all the time. Dammit, see? -stops talking).

I'm in a mood to write
I don't know what to say
It's like the same confusion
Moves me through every day
So I project the same illusion
A lie in every way
But I'm just so ashamed of losing
That I'm afraid to play

I don't expect you to understand broken logic
It's easier if you don't
Leaves me free to remain honest
I'm holding on to my hope
Don't know what I'd be if I lost it
But like sand through an hourglass
It gets closer and closer to gone
I forget why I'm holding on

And I'm such a monster
My fight with it is so constant
To you, I just seem awkward
That's cool

How would you look at me
If you could see the things I've done
Would you see the progression
What I've been to what I've become?
My mouth makes the wrong impression
I stay silent
You just think I'm dumb
And that's cool

Sometimes I'm inarticulate
I can't explain the things I'm trying to say
It hurts my mouth to speak sometimes
The pain gets in the way
I dance around the subjects
That make the monster upset
And you just think I'm scared
That's cool

But it's cruel at the same time
I'm at war with my own mind
And you can't see it.
Vulnerability makes me weak
So I can't be it
How can I help but to sometimes
Get mad at a world
That left me alone in the spotlight
Just a scared little girl
With all this emotion
And no place to hold it
And no way to control it
Where no words could console it
And nothing fills the hole

I guess all I'm asking for is time
Convoluted and trapped in the words of this rhyme
Is my heart
If I can't get it back from the page
It'll fall apart
The confusion that moves it
Is it's death
And without my hope and my heart
I'll have nothing left

Doomed to write about a sunrise
That I'll never see
Doomed to dream about a woman
That I'll never be
Doomed to follow broken logic
Down a dead end road
Shoulders heavy with emotion
That I can't control
A tortured soul

Superman

Let spectators be in love with the hero
I'm fascinated by the alter ego
Let them search to find the secret places we go
When our conversations slip, dip, and whisper
Let them strain their ears to listen
Let them learn to pay attention
There's a gold mine in your spirit
that I dig for
A richness in your essence
that I live for
And a safety in your presence
Thats there's nothing in the world
I wouldn't give for
Let them find it
They've forgotten
But they need to be reminded
That your power is nothing
Without the faith and grace behind it
The pain and stakes all raised without permission
The sacrifices made to fund the vision
All those who have betrayed, and you've forgiven
They shaped, and and paved your way, this life you're living
So let them see the superman you show them
S on your chest, wind in your cape, smile glowing
No matter what the world decides to see
You'll always be a superman to me.

Three people come to mind when I read this. All three of them have some of the hardest hustles I've seen, ever. They'll probably never read it, but if they were too, I'd hope it'd bring a smile, even just for a second.

-A.